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Never "Good" Enough

A goal that I have for myself and my blog is to become more transparent. As I get closer to 30, I am once again shifting, much like I did at 25 when I decided to pack up my things and move from California and back home to Dallas.

I am tired of lurking in the shadows....             
                                                      Not living up to my true potential....
                                                                                                          Doubting/Second Guessing myself...

I woke up at 4 am this morning and the first thing that came to me is that I have always felt that I am "Never Good Enough" . I know that perfection is not something attainable or achievable by human beings, however, that alone should not keep me from being the best me. (Which was my goal/ only resolution for this year) I like to describe myself as a person that is very black or white with a very few areas or gray. Even as a child if, I could not do something 100% correct or to my liking the first time, I usually got mad, frustrated or discouraged with myself and vowed to never do it up again. Example, the first time that I went miniature golfing with my family ( around 7 or 8) and could not make the shot, I quickly got frustrated threw down the golf club and vowed to  never pick up a club. My vow was true for about 20 years. I had to try again at  27 at a company teambuilding event and discovered that I am not bad at it and it was actually fun  even if you don't get a hole in one. :)

So what did i mean about "lurking in the shadows"? I've always been a quiet person and most people including myself that know me just say that I am shy. But, after soul searching, I think it could be more than that. I discovered that I just hid comfortably behind a label because it was easier.  I was able to live up to my expecations and I did not disappoint others by sticking to being shy and soft spoken.  The truth is that because I never felt good enough, I worried about saying the wrong thing and bringing too much attention to myself. Hevean forbid if someone go to know *gasp* the real me. ( Laughs)  Never feeling good enough had me hemmed down and allowed me to feel inferior to others around me. So, instead of joining in a conversation with family and peers, I chose to lurk in the shadows and not draw too much attention to myself. After all, I did not have anything witty or anything intelligent enough to say. However, in the same token I get upset with others when I feel that I don't get the recognition I deserve or when I feel that people don't know me well enough.  Feeling inferior will cause you to feel as though you have to prove yourself or cower amongst others because you fear that others will discover that you are indeed " not good enough". It is a shame that a majority of my close friends and family don't truly know the authentic me because I don't feel that I am good enough.

Not living to my true potential. Like I mentioned earlier, I've always have been the type that on most occasions if i can't do it right the first time, I'll give up.  Well, Krys, that means that you've missed out on a lot right? Yes and no, because along with me giving up quickly, I've also developed another method of just coasting along.. or barely trying as well.  So what does that mean? Here is an example. When I  started to play the clarinet in school, I felt as though I was not very good and was not good enough compared to the other beginner students. So, rather than focus on me and work to the best of my ability, I chose to be mediocre and just do the bare minimum. I did not perform well, and actually dreaded playing in front of the class, until one day at the end of the year, I blocked all my thoughts and everyone else out and my instructor told me that was the best that I've ever played. I followed the same pattern in high school as well, never trying really hard and never giving it my all because I feared judgement, failure. There are times that I still allow the same pattern to continue in other areas in my life which leads me to my next point.

Second guessing/ Doubting myself. I've always told people that I make easy things hard and hard things easy. I've always felt that I had to prove myself worthy therefore, I have a tendecy to over complicate and over think things. Which in itself can lead to second guessing and/or doubting. I can almost say that I was born with a pen in my hand to write and that it is my innate gift, but I constantly second guess and doubt that it is my calling. I won contests as a child for my writing and have always received compliments on my abilities and creativity. Howver,  I have to constantly seduce myself to believe that my writing is palatable enough to engage an audience. There are time that I doubt that I'll ever have followers to my blog, that people will like the songs/ books that I write.

So what does all of this mean?

Never feeling good enough = self doubt + fear + frustration - self confidence - self authenticity.

Never feeling good enough is not a healthy attitude towards one self. It has lead me to be a workaholic. Someone that takes pride in pleasing others before pleasing herself. Someone that just settles and coasts through life because a FEAR of failure. Not good. It is time for me to conquer this feeling , and not allow it to hold me hostage any longer. It is said that God does not want us to live life based on how we feel anyway.. feelings alone are false emotions. This false feeling has kept me from pursuing relationships with people, educational goals and career goals. Like I said before not good. It is truly amazing how ONE false feeling can have such a negative affect on so many things.  

It is said that the first step to recovery, is to admit. I intially felt ashamed that I felt this way about myself. I generally think/ feel  that I have a healthy self esteem and image about myself. I have already taken this issue to my Heavenly Father for Him to guide me through this personal demon of mine. I decided to denounce the FEAR of being judged and vulnerable and share this with you. I've learned that in life, that just because the problems or situations that you face may seem augmented or unique to you ,it probably is not and that there could be someone facing the same thing or worse. My intent of this post was not that of being melancholy or sad, just real. My purpose is to hopefully inspire someone to bring the mirror of truth and face the reality of things that hold you back in life.  I hope that this helped someone.

Much love,