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My journey

I actually wrote this a few weeks ago.

A few weeks ago, I was not  ready to share my story. However, with this being Mother's Day weekend and a brief encounter with my trainer at the gym, pushed me into being ready. Afterall my last post was about being vulnerable and honest with myself and others. 
 As I left  gym Friday morning, my trainer asked me  if I was married and whether or not we had children. I answered yes to both, which then prompter her to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. I walked out feeling guilty and in genuine.  When I got married to my husband, he had a son from a previous relationship. I absolutely adore him and I don't refer to him as my "step" anything; in fact I absolutely ABHOR that word. In my eyes I am a mom but in the eyes of some being a non custodial "step" does not get the same recognition as the woman that gave birth and raises the children. I don't agree, but that's another post for another day.

I follow many blogs and a few weeks ago I read a post that informed me that April is National Infertility Month.I copied the following from Facebook.

Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, life-altering experience. April is Infertility Awareness Month. Whether a friend, a family member, a colleague or yourself has fought through this difficult fate that MILLIONS of women and men are fighting day in and day out. Post this as your status if you or someone you know has walked to hell and back for the chance to be a MOM or DAD. 

As I read heart wrenching stories of many women and many of those that "came out" in April; I wanted to follow suit and "come out" about my situation. But, my pride and my wish to stay private and lurk in the background  kept me from doing so.
My pride has since been swallowed and its time for me to "come out / come clean.". Its time to tell the truth that I hide behind the nervous smile that I give to those that ask me "So when are you going to have children? Most often the question will give me anxiety, grief or just sadness. My stomach knots and I usually will give one of many programmed aloof answers and try to quickly change the subject. " Ha (nervous smile) not anytime soon.. I am trying to wait until  .... " or " We've talked about it.. " and there was the " Maybe when I am 30 ( nervous smile)" . I am knocking at 30's door , so most of my excuses will no longer be valid.
Although I try to hide my emotions behind my smile, the question still breaks my heart each time.  The truth is I want more children. Not to say that I don't love my son that I have now. Like I said I adore him, I feel truly blessed to have him in my life. He's so smart and has so much personality at his age. I feel honored to have him in my life and thank God for him. But, I have the want for more children. In fact 10 years ago, I would have told you that I dreamed of having four. However, on June 4th 2009 that dream faced reality when my doctor diagnosed me with uterine fibroids and then later that year with ovarian cysts. My prognosis then was for me to have at least one child by 30 and hope that the cysts rupture on their own and that the fibroids don't enlarge. There is research that indicates that both can be controlled by birth control pills and in extreme cases hysterectomies are recommended for fibroids.
So naturally, I was devastated about the news and my husband and I set forth on a journey to try to conceive. After years of being unsuccessful, I spent the end of last year taking the laundry list of fertility tests. All of my test came back with positive news, but still no bambino.
There are a few people that know about my struggle and occasionally they'll call to check on me and ask me how things are going. Some days are good and other day aren't. However, I've become a master of hiding my true emotions    , at least I think so, because I don't want to be burdensome to others around me. Plus, I try not to dwell on the subject too much myself. I am not asking for sympathy or empathy from anyone. Just simply sharing my story and being honest. Actually it is therapy for me. I have a tendency to run away from my true feelings about tough situations and writing about my infertility is a release for me.  I don't want those that know me personally to be afraid or timid to discuss the subject with me , after all my intent is not to discourage conversation or questions. Its just me being honest. As crass as this may sound, this is not an open invitation for suggestions either ( nervous smile), I have books I've read and continue to read. I've been to several fertility doctors, homeopathic doctors and looked into several methods of alternative fertility therapy. I've even went to The Bible, and read stories about the women who had issues with infertility. One story that touched me was found in I Samuel 1: 1-28 , and it tells the story of Hannah who was barren and  prayed for a child, the Lord blessed her with a son.  . I know that in the end that God is control and no matter what the doctors say, ultimately it is in His hands.  In fact another segment of my blog will be documenting my journey to try to conceive.